If you are having a hard time with your decision, you may think you can never feel good about your choice. We have found that women who are willing to explore what they think and how they feel can come to a peaceful resolution. To get there, you must be willing to work at it. So, get out your crayons, sharpen your pencils, and do some "homework." It may be the most important homework you ever do. Remember to listen to your heart and your own voice to find the right answer for you. Trust yourself.

One more thing-- We really want to include more women´s voices in this site. Your stories, quotes, and feedback will make the next edition of Pregnant? Need Help? Pregnancy Options Workbook even more valuable for women who are pregnant and need help. Click on Contact to send us your thoughts.

Thank you and Good Luck!

Peg Johnston, Editor

Am I Pregnant? return to top

Where To Get A Test:
A home pregnancy test is very accurate when you follow the directions. A home test or a test at a clinic is accurate when you have missed a period by one day or more. Or, 10 days after the day you probably got pregnant.

Check Out the Yellow Pages:
The Yellow Pages of your local phone book are a good resource. Lots of places offer free or inexpensive pregnancy tests. Examples: Family Planning clinics, Planned Parenthoods, Women´s Health Centers, abortion clinics, Health Departments, or your own doctor´s office.

Yellow Page Listings:
Abortion Services- You can get abortion services at places listed in this section. Most abortion clinics will also do pregnancy testing and many will offer ultrasounds (sonograms). Many also offer “options counseling” which help you decide what choice is best for you. Birth Control--These are places where you can get pregnancy tests, options counseling, and birth control services. Physicians, Ob/Gyn-- You can get a pregnancy test at a doctor´s office. They may be able to order an ultrasound at the hospital or do one in the office. They can give a referral. Alternatives to Abortion--These are agencies that provide testing but are against having an abortion. They may be able to help women who want to continue their pregnancies.

How Pregnant Am I?:
“When Was Your Last Period?”
Get used to this question! You will be asked it again and again. That´s because the first day of your last NORMAL period is the beginning of your cycle. This is your LMP [Last Menstrual Period]. Pregnancy is generally figured from this date, even though you probably got pregnant 10 to 14 days later. Fetal age (or gestational age) is two weeks less than LMP.

Some women are farther along than they think, so...

If you don´t remember the date of your last period, or

If your period was unusual--lighter or shorter than usual, or

If your cycles are not regular, or

If you have any doubt,

GET AN EXAM OR AN ULTRASOUND (sonogram) to know how far along your pregnancy is.

You may have lots of questions about your pregnancy and how to decide what to do. The next section will help you figure out what you are feeling and what you want to do. But you may be asking, "What if the baby is not okay?" If so, click this link: What can hurt the pregnancy?

You might want to know " What does it look like?" For a description of the stages of development of the fetus, click this link: Fetal Development

For help in answering the question "How far along am I?" click this link:

Getting Ready to Make the Decision return to top

Everyone who is facing a pregnancy must answer one basic question:

IS THIS THE RIGHT TIME FOR ME TO BRING LIFE INTO THE WORLD THROUGH MY BODY?

No decision is greater for a woman than this one. No responsibility is as important as raising a child. No activity takes more energy, more love, more patience, more of everything than having a child. No matter what you choose, there is sacrifice and pain.

Here are some other questions to think about.

Do I want to have a baby?

Will the child have a father who is “there”?

Can I afford to have a child?

What will happen to my goals, my hopes, my life?

What will happen to my partner´s life?

Who can help me raise a child?

Can I raise a child by myself?

How will my family react? My friends?

How will this affect my other children (if any)?

Is my body healthy enough?

This is the main question:
"Is this the right time for me to have a child? Consider all your options carefully. The next pages will give you some thoughts about how to make this important decision. The sections after that will help you think about your choices: a baby, an abortion, or an adoption. And even though we might wish for another choice, there are only these three choices.

If this is hard for you, give yourself credit for dealing with one of the biggest questions about life. This can be a very hard decision. Take your time. Go through each section one at a time. Make a safe place for yourself to think. Write your thoughts down as much as you can. Ask for help when you need it. Take full responsibility for your decision. Don´t let anyone else make it for you. Good luck!

Giving Yourself Time to Think...
Sometimes we don´t want to think about things and we try to keep ourselves busy so that we don´t have time to think.

Sometimes we don´t have time because our kids need so much of our time and energy.

Sometimes we are busy with school, work or activities.

Sometimes we are hiding this decision from others and it´s hard to find the time and space to think about it.

But, remember, this decision will affect the rest of your life. You owe it to yourself to make time! Right now, time makes a difference. If you are even considering an abortion, please try to make your decision in the first 10-12 weeks (from your last period). This will make it a safer, less expensive, and easier procedure for you. If you are even considering having a baby, start taking care of yourself now.

Making Time to Think:

I could ask ____________________ to watch the kids for me.

I could skip ________________________________________

I could stay home and think instead of doing _____________

I could talk with _____________________________________

Other thoughts on making time for yourself _______________

Making a Safe Place: Now you will also need a place that is free from interruption (TV, other people, phone calls). You need to be able to hear yourself think! Where is this place for you? (your own room, the park, ) Describe it.

Write your answer here:

Now that you´ve got a time and place to go through this workbook, let´s get started. The next section deals with how you are feeling. Are you in shock?

Are you in shock? Take this test:

For some women, learning about a pregnancy is very stressful. About how long ago did you start thinking you might be pregnant? ______ days/weeks.

Please circle how often the comments below were true for you within the past week. “It” refers to the pregnancy and pregnancy decision.

1= rarely; 2= sometimes; 3= sometimes; 4= all the time

1. I think about it when I don´t want to. 1 2 3 4

2. I have trouble doing my work. 1 2 3 4

3. I won´t let myself get upset when I remember I have to decide. 1 2 3 4

4. I don´t feel like eating. 1 2 3 4

5. I have trouble falling asleep or staying asleep because I am thinking about what to do. 1 2 3 4

6. I have waves of strong feeling about it. 1 2 3 4

7. I have dreams about it. 1 2 3 4

8. I stay away from babies. 1 2 3 4

9. I feel as if I´m not pregnant or it´s not real. 1 2 3 4

10. I try not to talk about it. 1 2 3 4

11. Pictures of babies come into my mind. 1 2 3 4

12. I can´t stop crying. 1 2 3 4

13. I am aware that I still have a lot of feelings about it, but I don´t deal with them. 1 2 3 4

14. I am feeling a little numb. 1 2 3 4

15. My friends tell me I don´t laugh anymore. 1 2 3 4

HOW TO SCORE YOURSELF: Add up your score.

16-30 indicates a mild reaction.
31-45 indicates a moderate reaction; you could benefit from the following.
46-60 indicates a severe reaction that may be keeping you from your feelings.

NO MATTER WHAT YOUR SCORE, IF YOU THINK YOU NEED MORE TIME OR MORE HELP, GET IT!

Understanding Shock
Have you ever known someone who was in a car accident, even a minor one? Did that person tell the story of the accident over and over? They might have felt scared, shaky, or had trouble eating, sleeping, or doing work. Those people were trying to deal with the shock of the accident.

Sometimes finding out that you are pregnant can be a "shock". What we know about how people deal with accidents, crimes, and natural disasters can help you too.

When we are in shock our rational side (“head”) and our emotional side (“heart”) become divided. When we are in shock, it´s like we are “frozen” or cut off from normal ways of dealing with stress. Part of us goes on “automatic.” The “feeling” part of us goes into hiding or goes numb. In other words, the part that gets hurt- or scared- or overwhelmed goes into hiding. The "rational" part that is strong and capable but cut off from “feelings” tries to take over and handle life.

The best way to make good decisions is to have both parts of ourselves available. It is necessary to bring the feeling part and the capable part together to get out of shock. It is normal to be “in shock” when you find out you´re pregnant. But it is important to get out of shock so you can make a good decision for your life.

The best way to do that is to tell the story of your pregnancy (just like any other overwhelming event). You can tell it to a friend, a relative, your partner, or a counselor. (Pick someone you trust and who cares about you.) Try to remember how you were feeling at different times. Ask the person just to listen, not to judge or tell you what to do.

The exercises on the following pages will help you get out of shock and help you make the best decision you can.

What are you feeling? return to top

It´s not always easy to know what you´re feeling. Start with these basic feelings. Choose those that apply and draw a circle and then divide the circle up into pieces that represent which feelings you are having.

Here are some other feelings you might have (circle all that you are feeling):

scared   confused   overwhelmed   confident   stupid   uncertain

unreal   panic   numb   guilty   comfortable   anxious   relieved

trapped   strong   embarrassed   like crying   selfish

resolved   grieving   relaxed   peaceful   alive   lost   disappointed

happy   sad   alone   worried   unloved   other ____________

Draw a circle and label the pieces with feelings you are having.

Where on your body are you feeling what you´re feeling?

Emotions seem like they “sit” in a part of your body. Put your hand where you notice feelings. Some people feel it in their stomach, or around the heart, or they feel tension in the neck or head or jaw. Does it help to rub that area? Take slow, deep breaths?

Feelings worksheet

It helps to really explore your feelings. Here are some questions and exercises to help you understand your feelings about being pregnant.
Ask yourself: How do I feel? What does that feel like? Is there another feeling?

ANGER:

How angry are you? (circle)

furious        annoyed        really mad        “I´m so mad I can´t speak”

I feel “mean”        upset/angry        hurt/angry        "If I wasn't angry, I'd cry"

Who are you most angry at? _____________

If you´re angry at someone else what do you wish he/she could have said or done?

If you´re angry at yourself, why?

Are you expecting perfection from yourself? Where did you learn you needed to be perfect?

What could you have done differently?

What can you do differently from now on?

What are some ways to express your anger?

SAD:

What is the saddest part for you? (Clue: when you think about it or talk about it, this is the part that makes you cry)

Do you have a sense of loss? What are you losing?

There may be more than one thing. You might feel that whatever you choose, you´ll lose something. Write down what you think you are losing:

SHAME:

Shame is something we learn very early in life. Somehow we get negative messages about ourselves. It´s the feeling that there is something "flawed" or "basically wrong with me." (Clue: this is the thing we wouldn´t want anyone to know about us.) Some things that people might feel ashamed about are: sex, having an affair, abortion, making a mistake, being poor, being a victim -- ”sexually or physically abuse” --, or just being different.

What is the shameful part for you?

Is this feeling familiar? Does it remind you of another time in your life? Did anyone try to make you feel this way?

What is a more positive message you can give yourself? Sometimes it helps if you pretend you´re talking to your best friend. What would you tell her if she told you the same story?

SCARED:

Fear is a common feeling when we are facing something new or when we are feeling alone.

What exactly are you afraid of?

When have you been really scared in your life?

What helps you feel less scared? What have you done before to deal with those fears?

Who can you ask for help?

What information could help you feel less scared? (Example: An explanation of what the doctor does)

HAPPY:

Happiness is feeling content like "everything is right." "No problem!"

I´m happy because:

The best part is:

Is anyone else happy or unhappy? Does what makes you happy make someone else unhappy? Who? Why?

What could happen to your relationship to that person?

How is it different if you have a baby? An abortion? Choose adoption?

Do you feel like you understand yourself a little better now?

If you have figured out what you feel and how it affects you, tell someone you trust. Choose that person carefully. It´s important to both understand yourself and be understood. Ask them to listen and try to understand you, not to judge or give their opinion. The next section looks at who can support you.

Who have you already told?

Who else might be helpful?

Would telling this person be hurtful to them?

Asking for Help

A tip about asking for help: If you are worried about what people will say, you can tell them what you need. For example, you could say: “I really need you to listen.” Or, "It would help me if you could....." “I want to talk to you, but I need to know you won´t tell anyone else.” “I´m worried that you will judge me, but I want to tell you something.”

Quotes from REAL WOMEN:

“I told two or three people and they told two or three. It was a nightmare. I got totally lost in the whole thing.”

"At first I thought my mother would freak, but she was really OK."

Telling Parents and Family:
If you are young, or even if you are not, you may be wondering whether to include a parent in your decision. Even if you decide not to tell them, it´s good to imagine what they might say or think. In many states a parent must be notified or give consent if you want to have an abortion, place a child for adoption, or seek medical care. Here are some things to think about:

I want to tell ______________

She/he would probably think:

She/he would probably say:

Telling/ Not Telling

Here are some reasons young (and not so young) women give for not telling their parents. Do any of these sound like your situation? (check all that apply)

___ My mother/father would yell at me, maybe throw me out, or be violent.

___ My mother/father is sick, or having a hard time right now, I don´t want to add to her/his troubles.

___ My parents would be upset. And then I couldn´t make up my own mind.

___ I feel it´s my decision and my life and I just don´t want to involve them.

___ I think they would support me, but I want to make this decision on my own.

___ If I tell them they will make me (have the baby, have an abortion, put the baby up for adoption).

___ My parents will ground me and not let me see my boyfriend.

___ They will be disappointed in me.

___ I really want to tell my mother/father but I´m afraid of ________________

Other:

Look at what you have checked. Is not telling them better for you or better for them? Remember, this is a big event in your life. If you need them, ask for their help.

You should involve a parent if:

______ you would feel safer if they knew

______ if you need their advice

______ if not telling them would hurt your relationship with them

______ if not telling them would make you feel bad, or dishonest

______ you need their help with money for a doctor, transportation, or support

If you cannot tell a parent about being pregnant, is there another adult or family member you can tell?

Partner/boyfriend/husband:
Some couples come together in making this decision and some pull apart. The best situations happen when both of you can talk honestly about how you feel and listen to each other without blame or hurt.

Is your partner saying any of these things? Circle

"I can't afford a child."

"How do I know it's mine?"

“What ever you do I will support you."

"I'm not ready."

"I'm scared."

"I want you to have my baby."

"See you later."

"I'm too young."

"I'm too old."

"I'm worried about you"

Write what you partner is saying:

What do you wish your partner would say:

Friends:
Most people have one or two friends to help them with their decision. Choose wisely. Tell them what you need. Ask them to listen, not to tell you what to do. Ask that they not tell anyone else without your permission.

“I don´t know what I would have done without my girlfriend. She could listen when my boyfriend couldn´t”

Talking to a Counselor:
Sometimes you need to talk to someone outside the situation, someone who understands, who can explain things, and who will listen to you--a counselor.

If you´re already seeing a counselor, talk to her or him. Family planning, Planned Parenthood, and women´s health clinics usually have counselors on staff who can do “options” counseling. Or they can refer you to a counselor who can see you quickly. Sometimes a teacher, guidance counselor, religious leader, your doctor or nurse can be helpful.

No matter who you see, remember that they are human and can make mistakes. You should feel that they listen to you, treat you with respect, give you accurate information, and let you make up your own mind. They should not threaten to tell anyone else without your permission or call you when you don´t want to be called. If you are not comfortable with a particular counselor, see someone else.

My support team (people who will listen, not judge): _____________ _____________ _____________ _____________

If you have told any of these people, what did they say?

Deciding What To Do return to top
The decision about this pregnancy is yours. Think of yourself as a “gatekeeper of life.” You can decide whether or not a new life will come into the world through your body. This is your right, but more than that, it is your responsibility. Deciding whether a new life will come through you is hard. But no one is better able to decide than you.

Take a minute to think how decisions get made in your family. Did everybody have a chance to talk about it? Or did one person just decide? Did everybody get mad? You may feel like you don't know how to make such a big decision.

How do you make decisions? Is it difficult for you to decide what to do, even simple decisions? Do you feel you have to be “perfect”? Are worried that you might make the wrong choice? (If so, you may need more help and support in thinking through this decision.See What if I Think I Made the Wrong Choice?)

This is a decision about your life and it has to feel OK for you. You can decide the way you´ve seen your family do it or you can decide a different way. If deciding is very difficult for you, please read the following and get more help. You have already done some exercises to help you decide. The exercises on the following pages may help you even more.

Still Heartsick?
Many women know what they need to do but they feel "heartsick". In other words, their "head" says one thing, but their "heart" feels "sick" or heavy. If this describes you, please take some more time to work out how you feel. Or, consider talking to a counselor. It is possible to connect your head and your heart. It is possible to feel OK about yourself and your decision.

QUOTES FROM REAL WOMEN:

“When they first told me I wasn´t ready and had to go home and think about it, I was angry. I wanted it to be over. I thought I could have my feelings later. I worked through the exercises and now I feel comfortable, positive, and not ashamed or guilty about my decision.”

“I thought I had to go through it for my husband. Now I know I am doing the right thing for me.”

"I felt so bad, I really thought I was going to die. But, after I talked to the counselor and did some of the homework, I felt better. Still sad, but OK."

“My head and my heart have finally come together with this decision, and I finally feel at peace with myself. I know it will be a long and trying road ahead, but I will endure…”

"The saddest part is that I can't return to that place before the pregnancy."

Have you ever been pregnant?
Have you ever been pregnant before? Your past experience has a big effect on how you feel about this pregnancy. What happened in previous pregnancies? If you have never been pregnant, skip to the next section.

Did you have one or more children? List names and birth dates.

Was each baby healthy?

Was each pregnancy difficult or easy? Did you have problems?

Was the baby stillborn? Do you know why that happened?

Did you have any miscarriages? How far along were you?

Were you very sad? Did people around you help you? How do you feel now?

Did you have any abortions? How old were you?

Was it difficult? Physically? Emotionally?

Did you have physical or emotional problems afterwards? How do you feel now?

Did you place a child for adoption?

How old were you?

How did you feel then?

How do you feel now?

No matter what happened--having a child, an abortion, adoption--did you feel able to make your own decision about the pregnancy? Or, did you feel someone else made the decision for you?

How has being a parent, or not being a parent, changed your life?

Other Women´s Pregnancy Stories
If you haven´t been pregnant before, have you heard stories about family or friends? How about your mother´s pregnancies or a close relative? Think about the stories you have heard about pregnancy-- childbirth-- abortion—adoption—miscarriage-- stillbirth.

Write the name of that person and her story:

Whenever we are pregnant, we remember other pregnancies or stories about pregnancy. These stories will bring up feelings. How do these feelings about your past, or about someone else´s experience, influence how you feel about this pregnancy? By remembering these stories you can understand how this feels different or the same. Each pregnancy is unique. Every time is a different time for you.

What if.... Then What? Exercise

Finish the sentence: "What would happen if...?" and put that answer in the middle of a large drawn circle.

Draw another circle next to it and answer the question, "Then what might happen...?"

Continue for as many times as you can, and as many answers as you can think of.

Use additional paper as needed. Start with each option you are considering.
(Example: What if..I had a baby. Then, I would take a year off school. Then, my boyfriend would... etc.)











Draw a Picture of Your Life:
Draw a picture of your life in one year with, and then without, the child from this pregnancy.












Draw a picture of your life in five years with, and then without, the child from this pregnancy











The Pie Exercise:
How big is the part of you that wants a baby, an abortion, an adoption?
Draw a circle. Divide the pie into sections.







How big is the piece that is what you want for each option?





Draw circles for each option and label what other people, including yourself, want. How big is the piece that belongs to what others want? Put their names in their pieces of the pie. For example, in one circle, Mom and boyfriend might be more than 50%. What about you?








Pros and cons
Write your list of pros (“Yes”) and cons (”No”) for each option, having a baby, adoption, abortion

Having this baby

Pro:


Con:




Placing for adoption

Pro:


Con:




Having an abortion

Pro:


Con:

Write your story here:
Include how you got pregnant, who your partner is, how you knew you were pregnant, how you felt, who you told, and anything else important to you. When you´re done tell a trusted person the story.If your daughter is facing a decision about an unintended pregnancy, you are probably very worried about her. As she considers parenthood, abortion, or adoption, you may be having strong feelings. If you are also in crisis, some of the same exercises from this workbook may be useful to help you cope with this unexpected shock. (See shock test) We hope the following information and advice will be helpful to you.

What If I Think I Made the Wrong Choice? return to top
Deciding about whether or not to have a child can feel like such a big decision that it is impossible to make a decision that you can live with. Before you make a final decision, it is worth asking, “What if I make the wrong choice?” How will you feel? What will others say or do? Who will help you through your questioning? Return to the decision making exercises, especially the “What if” exercise and ask these questions for each option.

Now ask yourself, “How can I get better if I regret my decision?” Sometimes we expect our lives to be perfect or that we will never make a mistake. But, we forget that not everything is completely within our control, and that we humans are not perfect. You might write a letter to yourself to be opened in the future. The letter can remind you that you were trying to do the right thing for all concerned. Think about the idea of forgiveness (see guided day dream on forgiveness). If you feel you need to be forgiven, who should you ask forgiveness from? God, the “baby”, yourself, someone else? Who will help you if you are in an emotional crisis? Can you tell them your fears now? Is there a counselor or clergy person you can talk to? Finally, what might comfort you if you feel you made a mistake?

Some people find comfort in some kind of ritual (see Healing work). Others look for meaning in their dreams and goals which guided their decision in the first place. It may be difficult to understand now, but ask yourself, “what is the gift of this pregnancy?” What have you learned about yourself and your strengths? What have you learned about life? Some women find that it helps to “count their blessings”—their children, the love of others, their home or work. Some women find that they make resolutions about the future—about birth control, about relationships, about listening to their own voice.

It is possible that no decision will feel completely “right” or “good.” Sometimes we have to do the “least bad” thing and know that we are doing the best we can do. It is possible to think that we made the right choice but to still feel very very sad about it, or guilty. Feelings about a pregnancy decision are normal; after all, it is a big decision about life. It’s important to find ways to express those feelings.

Guided “Day Dreams” return to top
Guided imageries, or visualizations are a way of using your imagination to understand feelings. It´s like a day dream with instructions.

You can ask a friend to read this guided day dream to you. Or you can read it and then close your eyes and say it back to yourself by memory. Or record it into a tape and play it back to yourself. The words may help you form pictures in your mind or you may just get a sense of things. There is no right or wrong way to have this experience. Let yourself experience the feelings that come up. Listen to your inner wisdom. Take your time.

This is a powerful tool to connect your "head" with your "heart." Find a place where you can be comfortable and where you won´t be interrupted or disturbed. Each guided day dream takes about 10-15 minutes.

Some women create a special space with candles or low music in a favorite room. Some do this work in a warm bath. Some go outside and sit under the stars or the shade of a big tree. Think of the place you are most peaceful, and you will know where to go.

To begin each visualization, find a relaxing position that supports your body-- lying down is good. Close your eyes and breathe deep and slow. Then begin.

After you have practiced the guided day dream, you will know that you can create peace and relaxation any time you want to. Just notice your breathing, allow your body to relax, and in your mind´s eye, go to a place that is beautiful and peaceful and safe.

Seeking Guidance About Your Decision
For some women it is easy to come to a clear decision about what to do about a pregnancy. For others, the process of deciding can be difficult and confusing. In this guided day dream, you can seek guidance from your own inner wisdom or "inner voice."

Begin by getting comfortable-- lie down if you can, or at least have your head supported. Breathe deep and slow. Allow your body to be supported and relax.

Seeking Guidance return to top
Imagine that you are surrounded by a beautiful light, soothing and safe. Notice your breathing-- in and out. As you breathe in, know that you breathe in everything you need to decide. As you breathe out, let go of anything you don´t need for this process. Notice how each breath helps you relax even more deeply. Bring your attention to your body as it rests comfortably and peacefully against the soft cushion beneath you. It is good to know that each sensation in your body helps you become even more relaxed and peaceful.

Imagine a beautiful light surrounding your feet. It moves gently and gradually up and through your body and out the top of your head, leaving you feeling safe, centered, and feeling good. Take your time. That´s good. (pause)

And now just notice your breathing, slow and deep. Allow yourself now to begin to imagine a place in nature. A very beautiful, warm, and wonderful place. It may be a familiar place, or a new place for you.

Begin now to have a sense of this beautiful place in nature. Notice any sounds or smells surrounding you here. Notice what you see around you and how it feels to be here. Know that this is your own wonderful, special place. Take a moment now to allow the sensations of being in this beautiful place to fill your body with joy and peace.

There is a pathway up ahead. You feel yourself becoming eager to explore it. You are excited because you have a sense that the path is calling you forward. You find yourself going toward it now and you can´t wait to go down the path, curious about the sights and sounds and experiences you might find along the way. Let yourself have a sense of how it feels to be on this pathway. What do you notice as you walk along? (Pause) That´s good.

Just allow whatever may be there, or not there, to be perfect and right for this journey. Imagine that you are approaching a place where the path seems to split in two. As you come to this fork in the path you find yourself stopping, not sure which way to go. One path seems to be clear and wide, as though many people have gone this way. The other path is a bit more overgrown and seems to be less traveled. Both ways have a certain appeal to you. But, as you study them, suddenly you know exactly which one to go down.

That´s right. Just let yourself know that whichever path you´ve chosen it is the perfect and right one for you now. Know what it feels like to be open to whatever experiences you may have. Let this safe and perfect path lead you.

As you continue, you notice a light up ahead. It appears to be the glow of a campfire. As you approach the clearing there, you notice there is someone sitting at the fire waiting for you. As you get closer, you realize this is a person of great wisdom and knowing. It may be someone familiar, or perhaps someone you have never met before. You have a feeling of great comfort and well-being as you approach this wise soul.

As you take a seat by the fire, you find yourself wanting to ask this person a question about the decision you are making about your pregnancy. You know you can ask whatever you want and this person will have the perfect and truthful answer for you. Let yourself connect with this wise being and begin to ask. Know that you have the courage and permission to ask whatever it is you need to know. (pause)

Take a moment now to listen for the answer. (pause) That´s right. Just allow this answer to settle in as you reflect on what you are hearing and experiencing. Become aware of how it feels to trust yourself, and to have the freedom of opening your own heart and mind to a great wisdom. Take a moment to allow that wisdom to really fill you up. Notice what it feels like in your body, mind, and heart. Know that you can have this feeling any time you want, simply by remembering what it feels like now.

And now, you have a sense that it is time to leave this place, knowing you can come back here any time you are seeking wisdom and guidance. Know that this special being will be here waiting for you with love and acceptance.

As you begin to get up to leave, notice the wise person holding out a gift for you. As you take this gift you see that it is a box. Just get a sense of this box now. Of course, you open it up to see what´s inside. Feel what it´s like to see what is inside and what that means for you. Take this precious gift and place it in your heart.

Take a moment to thank this incredible, wise soul for your precious gift. Know that this gift will be with you on your journey. Any time you doubt yourself or feel uncertain, it is easy to place your hand on your heart and remember this gift and the guidance you have received.

As you leave the campfire and begin to go back down the path, you find that you have a great sense of freedom and well-being. You are almost floating down the path. Just let whatever feelings you are having carry you back to the place where you began.

In a moment it will be time to open your eyes and be awake and present. But before you do, know that you will remember this journey. You will return feeling refreshed and energized. As you open your eyes, allow this energized, refreshing feeling to fill you with peace, confidence, and certainty.

Having a baby/Being a parent return to top

“What should I do first if I want this baby?”
Get medical care as soon as you think you might be pregnant. Ask friends who are recent mothers which doctors or midwives they liked. Or, look in the yellow pages of the phone book under “Physicians—Obstetricians” sometimes known as “OB-GYN.” You may also want to see a nurse midwife who can also deliver your baby. Or consult your hospital for a birth clinic. If you think you can´t afford to see a doctor, ask your county public assistance or Medicaid program about a special program for pregnant women.

“What is a nurse-midwife?”
They are nurses who are specially trained to deliver babies and give women care during their pregnancies. Midwives can give you lots of support during the pregnancy and during labor. They prefer more natural childbirth and less “high tech” monitoring and medication. Nurse-midwives work with doctors and can call one in if you need one.

“Are there things I should or shouldn´t eat?”
Yes! What you eat affects your baby, so eat well and take the vitamins your doctor prescribes. Especially in the first twelve weeks you need lots of folic acid, vitamin B12 and other minerals and vitamins to prevent certain birth defects. Generally, you want to eat good food-- fresh or frozen fruits and vegetables, lots of dairy foods, proteins, and whole grain foods. You want to stay away from “junk food” and fried or fatty foods that don´t give you much nutrition. Also, avoid or reduce caffeine in coffee, tea, or soda.

“Do I have to quit smoking and drinking?”
Yes, definitely. Stay away from alcohol and tobacco and street drugs. Quitting reduces the risk of still birth, SIDS (Sudden Infant Death Syndrome), premature birth, small or sick babies, and some birth defects. Quit as soon as you know you are pregnant. Quitting anytime will help prevent problems for your baby but the sooner the better. (See “What can harm my baby?”)

“Can I do it alone?”
This is one of the most important questions to ask yourself. Will I have support in raising a child? What about the baby´s father, your or his family, friends? It is very difficult to do this alone. And remember, support comes in many forms-- financial, emotional, physical, social. Do the exercises in the next section to see how much support you can count on.

“What kind of financial support is available from welfare/social services?”
There are programs like PCAP and Medicaid that might help with medical costs. Your county social services department may be able to help with very basic living expenses. But, the laws are changing for teenagers living at home. Mothers with children under 6 are now being expected to work. The father of the baby will also be expected to provide financial support. Call your local office and ask about possible benefits. WIC (Women, Infants, and Children) can help with nutritious food during
pregnancy and up to age 5 for your child. There may be other forms of assistance in your community. Private agencies like Family and Children´s Society, Catholic Social Services, Women´s Centers, Pregnancy Centers, and other groups may be able to help.

“Can I make it through labor?”
The average length of labor for a first time mother is between 12 and 24 hours. It is understandable to fear labor. But, fear of labor should not be the most important factor in your decision to have a child. There are many choices in delivering a baby. Natural childbirth is having a baby without any pain medications. Or, your doctor may offer some pain medications. Or you can have complete pain relief with an “epidural anesthesia” where you are numb from the waist down. Talk these over with your doctor or midwife.

“What is labor like? Can you describe it?”
It´s different for all women. Each step may take more time or less time. Each women has a different pain tolerance. Most labor is “do-able.” At first, the contractions are not so bad and you can smile. The next stage is like having a bad headache ”you can still function but it´s hard. Then you reach what they call “transition” where it is very difficult and you may not think you can do it. It´s like swimming in a rough ocean with waves hitting you one after another. This generally lasts about two hours. Then you feel an urge to push, and this part is better because you feel like you can work with your body. When the baby´s head starts to “crown” or come out you may start to feel overwhelmed by the stretching, pushing, and burning feelings. But this only lasts 10 minutes or so, and then the baby comes out.

Contractions work by pulling up on the cervix to open it wide and by pushing down on the baby to push it out. The cervix has to open 10 centimeters (about 4 1/2 inches). The first part of this opening process, up to 5 centimeters, takes a longer time and is easier than the last half. The last part of the dilation happens quickly, usually in about 2 hours.

“What is it like being a mother?”
Parenthood is hard work but it has many rewards-- your baby´s first smile, holding a small hand in yours, the love you see in your baby´s face when you walk in the room. You will have a huge influence on your baby, and your baby will have a huge influence on you.

What most new parents report is that they are exhausted and tired all the time. There will be sleepless nights and you will provide 24 hour care when necessary. You must consider the baby´s needs above your own. It´s important to be able to give nurturing love and to handle your own anger. Sometimes a baby or a child can be difficult, making you feel frustrated and angry. You have to know how to control your reactions.

You will definitely have less freedom in your life for a number of years. Many young mothers feel isolated and neglected. Others find great fulfillment in caring for their baby. Either way, asking for support is a good idea.

Babies won´t always be babies. Within a year, your baby will be walking around. In five years, he or she will be in school. In ten years, he or she will almost be a teenager!

“Will I be depressed after giving birth?”
It is completely normal to have the “baby blues” in the week or so after delivery. 80-90% of all women find that they cry a lot and feel moody during the first week. About 10-20% of all women also have “post partum depression” which makes them feel sad or want to cry. This can last for several weeks or up to a year or more.

Remember, you and your body have gone through a lot. And during the first month you are getting used to being tired all the time, feeding the baby 12 times a day, and hormonal changes. If the depression doesn´t go away after a week or two, talk to your doctor or midwife. Usually support, lifestyle changes, and counseling help. Sometimes some medicine, or rarely, hospitalization are needed. Also see: Exploring Your Feelings Afterwards

Having a baby/Being a parent exercises:

Where do you see yourself in 5 years? In 10 years?

Your Life Now:
Have you ever done any baby-sitting or childcare for younger brothers and sisters? What did you like about it? What didn´t you like about it?

What do you do on an average Saturday or Sunday? What do you look forward to?

Could you give that up and stay at home with the baby? Could you take a baby with you to those activities?

If you are still in school, can you continue? If you are working, when will you be able to return? Who will take care of your newborn? Who would take care of your child if you get sick?


The baby´s father:
Does he want to be a father to this child?

Does he have children already? How many?

Does he spend time with them? How often?

Does he provide financial support for his children? Do you know how much?

Do you expect him to help you raise your child? Does he want to?

Do you trust him to take care of a child? (Does he drink, do drugs, is he violent?)

If he is not part of your baby´s life, what can you tell your child about his/her father?

Support-- Who Can Help? return to top

What kind of support can you expect from each of the following people?
(Circle all that you think might happen)

Baby´s father?

Live with us?   Get up in the middle of the night?   Change diapers?

Read book to child?   Play games with child?   Help with homework?

Financial support until child is 18?   Take care of the child when I need a break?

Take care of the child 50% of the time?   Other _____________

My mother? My father?

Provide baby-sitting? everyday? weekends? once in a while?   Buy things for the baby?

Let us live with her/him?   Give us money regularly?   Play with the child?  

Other _____________

Baby´s father´s family?

Provide baby-sitting? everyday? weekends? once in a while?   Buy things for the bab

Let us live with her/him?   Give us money regularly?   Play with the child?  

Other _____________

My brother or sister (name _________)?

Provide baby-sitting? everyday? weekends? once in a while?   Buy things for the baby

Let us live with her/him?   Give us money regularly?   Play with the child?

Other _____________

My friend (name ___________)?

Provide baby-sitting? everyday? weekends? once in a while?   Buy things for the baby?   

Let us live with her/him?   Give us money regularly?   Play with the child?  

Other _____________

Other relatives (name ___________)?

Provide baby-sitting? everyday? weekends? once in a while?   Buy things for the baby?   

Let us live with her/him?   Give us money regularly?   Play with the child?  

Other _____________

(Check out this information with the people involved.)

FAMILY HISTORY return to top

At what age did your mother have children?

At what age did your grandmothers have children?

How about your aunts, cousins, or sisters?

How was this for them? (ask them if you can) Find out how they felt about it then and how they feel about it now. What kind of support did they have?

Some questions for support people:
If you are expecting support from a parent or grandparent or anyone else, check it out with that person. Some parents say, “I´m done, I raised my children.” Others might like the idea of helping out with a child. How much can they realistically help financially? How much time do they really have that they are willing to give you? Ask them.

Are you financially ready to have a child?
Having a child is expensive. You may get help with medical bills from insurance or social services. But diapers and formula are very expensive. So is clothing, baby equipment, food. And don´t forget childcare, books, classes, and school expenses. You might want to price some of these items to get a better idea about how much things cost.

Comments from women about birth and raising a child:

“Giving birth was much easier than I thought it would be.”

“Giving birth was much harder than I thought it would be.”

“My baby changed my life in ways I never dreamed of.”

“Although the baby´s father could have helped me more, I´m the only one responsible.”

“I could not have done this alone.”

“Some nights are so hard I don´t know how I´ve gotten through them.”

“I feel like I´m 37 instead of 17. I have no life.”

“I can´t imagine my life without my kids.”

“It seems like I went from paying off my college bills, to paying for pre-school, to paying off the orthodontist, to setting aside money for my kids´ college. It never ends!”

“My child is the light of my life.”

“All these girls come back to school and talk about how cute their babies are. They never talk about how hard it is. It´s not easy.”

"My head and my heart have finally come together with this decision, and I finally feel at peace with myself. I know it will be a long and trying road ahead but I will endure...."

"The saddest part is that I can't return to that place before the pregnancy."

Creating a Time Line (Not Only for Teens) return to top

How old will I be at each stage of my baby’s life?

Put events in your life on the time line. For example on your side: prom, driver’s license, graducation, college, first job, marriage, first apartment, owning a car. On the baby’s side of the time line put the following:

When my baby is______ I will be ____ years old.

6-9 months: can crawl

12-14 months: begins walking and talking

2-3 years: toilet training

4-5 years: pre-school or school

6-11: after school activities, lessons

12-13: teenager

16 years: can get driver’s license

18 years: college or job

RESOURCES

ORGANIZATIONS
WIC (Women, Infants, Children) Vouchers for nutritious food for pregnant women and children. Call your County Health Department.

PCAP Medicaid- This is a government supported insurance program for pregnant women. In states where Medicaid covers abortion, it may cover that too. It is a temporary insurance, but can help with medical costs during a pregnancy. Call your County Dept. of Social Services.

CLASSES and information may also be available at local hospitals, agencies and doctors' offices.

BOOKS
WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU´RE EXPECTING, by Arlene Eisenberg, Heidi Markoff, Sardee W. Hathaway, BSN, Workman Publ.

PREGNANCY, CHILDBIRTH, AND THE NEWBORN: The Complete Guide, Penny Simkin.

THE COMPLETE BOOK OF PREGNANCY AND CHILDBIRTH by Sheila Kitzinger

WHAT TO EXPECT THE FIRST YEAR OF LIFE, by Eisenberg, Murkoff, and Hathaway.

CARING FOR YOUR BABY AND YOUNG CHILD: BIRTH TO AGE 5, American Academy of Pediatrics

OTHER RESOURCES
“Mama: Your Guide to a Healthy Pregnancy” (free) March of Dimes call 1-888 MODIMES or www.modimes.org.

www.HipMama.com -- Hip Mama magazine and website for young women who are mothers.

www.girl-mom.com -- discussion site for teen mothers.

www.choicelinkup.com -- a listing of many pregnancy related resources on the web.

Abortion return to top

“What is an abortion?”
An abortion is the removal of a pregnancy from your body. A miscarriage is called a "spontaneous abortion," meaning your body removes the pregnancy on its own.

“I could never have an abortion!”
If you think you are not ready to have a baby, abortion is one option to consider. As you know, our society is having a big conflict about abortion right now. That makes it difficult to feel OK about abortion. But there is also a lot of wrong information out there. Find out the facts before you make your decision. For instance, did you know that abortion is the most common medical procedure in the U.S.? And that over 1million women have abortions every year in the U.S.? Nearly 1/3 of all women will have an abortion by age 45.

“Is abortion safe?”
Abortion is very safe, especially when done early in pregnancy. Many studies have been done that show that having an abortion in the first twelve weeks is many more times safer than having a baby. Even a late abortion is less dangerous than having a baby.

“Is it legal?”
Abortion is legal up to 24-26 weeks of pregnancy in all states. After that time it is only legal in some states if the mother´s life or health is seriously in danger or if the baby has a severe deformity or disease that would mean it can´t live or function. After 26 weeks, if the baby is normal, but the mother is in danger, every effort will be made to save the baby by delivering it prematurely.

Some states may have rules about receiving certain information 24 hours before your abortion or requiring that the parents of a woman under 18 be informed of her decision. Call a clinic in your state to find out the most recent laws.

“How is it done?”
There are a few different ways. The most common is “vacuum aspiration” where a doctor removes the pregnancy with a gentle suctioning. It takes less than 5 minutes.

Early in a pregnancy, a "medical abortion" ("with medicine" as opposed to a "surgical abortion" might be available where you live. Two different medications are used -- mifepristone or misoprostol. The first one stops the pregnancy from growing and the second helps your body pass the pregnancy. The symptoms are just like a miscarriage. It takes several days and you might have a lot of bleeding, clots, and cramps. There is a complete workbook "Abortion: Which Method is Right for Me?" accessible at the top of this page.

Later in a pregnancy, a “D & E” is used. The opening to the uterus is opened large enough for the doctor to remove the pregnancy with forceps. A slightly different method called “Intact D&E” may be used after 20 weeks. This is the so-called “partial birth abortion” which is very rare. The doctor collapses the head so that the fetus can come out all at once. In a few cases, an induction procedure is used after 20 weeks. The cervix is opened over a day or more, then labor is induced, causing a miscarriage.

89% of all abortions are done in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy. Almost all of these use the more common suction method.

“Will it hurt?”
We all have different experiences of pain. Different doctors use different ways to control pain. In most methods, there will usually be a few minutes of cramps. In later pregnancy, the procedure will take longer. It is normal to fear pain, but fear of pain should not be the most important factor in your decision. You will probably be offered medication to help with pain. Please ask.

“Does the baby feel pain?”
Medical experts generally agree that the fetus cannot feel pain until there is a more developed brain and nerves which starts to happen at 22 weeks. Many doctors who perform very late abortions make sure the fetus dies before the actual abortion begins just to be sure it feels no pain. Ask your doctor.

“Can I do it myself?”
No! Please do not try. When abortion was illegal, many women tried to do an abortion on themselves and many women died. Anything that supposedly can stop a pregnancy can hurt or kill you. Please call a clinic or hotline number before you do something that might hurt you.

“How much does it cost?”
Call the clinics in your area. An abortion in the first 12 weeks generally costs $400 to $500. Most insurance covers it. If the cost seems really low, find out if lab fees and medication are included. Ask if there is time set aside for counseling and to recover afterwards. Find out which clinic or doctors are recommended by friends, Planned Parenthood, or Family Planning Services. A quality clinic where you will be respected is important. (See Resources)

If you are having financial problems, is there someone you can borrow money from? Do you have a credit card, or could you use someone else´s and pay that off over time? Call the National Abortion Federation Hotline for a clinic or an abortion fund (www.nnaf.org) near you. (See Resources)

“How do I find a doctor?”
To find the closest clinic or doctor, go to www.AbortionClinicDirectory.com or look in the yellow pages of your phone book under “Abortion Services” or call NAF Hotline at 1-800-772-9100. You can also ask your doctor, or other friends what they know about different clinics. See Resources section.

When you call, ask for the information you want to know. Some questions might be: 1) How long has the doctor been doing abortions? 2) Is it painful? 3) What state regulations are there? 4) What is involved in the visit? Don't be afraid to ask questions.

“I think abortion is my choice, but I am heartsick over this.”
It is normal to sometimes think and feel different ways about a decision like abortion. Like a lot of other difficult times in life, your head (the logical, reasonable part of you) might be saying one thing, while your heart (your feelings) seems to be saying another. You might think that abortion is the best thing you can do right now, but still you feel sad or bad about this choice. You might think you have to have an abortion, but don`t really want one. You may not even want to think about it at all-- just get it over with.

You deserve to have some peace of mind about this difficult situation. Take a moment now to do the exercises in this section. They will help your "head" and your "heart" come together so you can come to a decision you feel good about. (See also sections on healing)

“Is it murder?”
You have probably heard some people say “abortion is murder.” That´s what the people who want to make abortion illegal usually say. Some people say abortion is murder without really thinking it through. Abortion is legal, so clearly the law does not see it as murder. The law says murder means you have "malicious intent" or you really want to hurt them. But that doesn´t really answer the question of whether it is right or wrong. That´s a question each woman has to answer for herself.

Abortion is a kind of killing. The embryo or fetus is living within the woman´s body, and it is removed by the abortion. Most people do not believe that killing an embryo or fetus is the same as killing a born person. Is there a difference between killing and murder?

“Is having an abortion like killing a 2 or 3 year old child, or like killing a friend of yours? Can you kill and still love that person or thing?”

“What is a person? When does a fetus become a person?”

These are tough questions, but it´s good to look at them to see what you really think. Take the time now to explore what you really believe.

“Am I a bad person for choosing abortion?”
As you think about this question, just notice how much you want to do what is good and right. Wouldn´t life be easy if good and bad were always simple?

Different people have very different answers to this question. Some believe that abortion is wrong and bad. Others believe that abortion can be a very good and responsible choice. Some people would ask if your intentions are good or bad. Are you trying to make the best choice you can, or are you trying to do something bad? Still others might remind you that a person can be good, even when she is making difficult decisions.

Millions and millions of women throughout the world and over all the years of history have made the decision that abortion is the best thing they could choose in their situation. But only you can judge in your heart whether the choice you are making is coming from a good place or a bad place.

Do you think of yourself as a selfish person?

What is the difference between being selfish and taking care of yourself?

What does your conscience say to you about abortion? Can abortion be moral?

What good can come out of having an abortion?

“How will I feel afterwards?”
Most women feel very relieved after they have an abortion, and they usually feel pretty good physically too. Whatever fear they might have had about the medical part is over, and a big problem that has been taking up a lot of attention has been taken care of. Depending on the individual, there may be other feelings too.

How you will feel afterwards probably has a lot to do with how you feel before the abortion. Are you certain about your choice? Is it really your decision? Do you have a sense of peace? Are you afraid of needing forgiveness? Are you just feeling kind of numb? (If so, go back to feelings section) Do you need more support?

Are you very sad? It is natural for some women to have a feeling of grief and loss about abortion. (See healing section) This can take a little time to heal. Take the time to work on your feelings about abortion before you have one. Then you will be better prepared for whatever feelings you might have afterwards. If you are having really difficult feelings after an abortion, there is help. (See exercise on regret below and section on healing, and resource section.)

If you have an abortion will you feel guilty?      sad?      happy/relieved?      angry?      ashamed?

Write a little about each feeling you might have.

“I want to have an abortion, but my religion says that it is wrong.”
"I used to think abortion was wrong, but now I think it is my best choice."
Most people make some choices in life that do not agree with their religion. Maybe even having sex or getting pregnant went against some of the rules of your religion. We can feel very uncomfortable and guilty if we think we are living the wrong way.

If your religion says that abortion is wrong, and that´s important to you, it might be useful to know what God thinks. The first step might be to pray or talk to God and share how it has been for you to make this decision. Does God know you are doing the best you can in this situation? Is your God loving and compassionate? Can God see into your heart? Some women believe God loves them and will be with them even in difficult times. Some women believe God thinks abortion is wrong, but will forgive them. Some women believe God will punish them if they have an abortion. (See also Religion section)

What do you believe?

What would it be like to pray to God and truly listen to what God has to tell you? If you have trouble hearing God´s guidance, you may want to talk with a religious person who respects that you have to make your own decision.

Have you prayed for guidance? If yes, do you feel you have received guidance? What is the guidance?

If you have ever done something you thought was wrong in the past, how have you made up for it?

For more help, do the Guided Day Dream on Loss or the writing exercise.

“Will I regret having an abortion?”
Some situations are warning signs that certain women will have a hard time after an abortion.* If you are worried about how you will feel afterwards, answer the following questions. Your score on this self test may help you decide if you have more work to do, or if it would be good to talk to a counselor. Go back and complete all the exercises in the Decision-Making section if you need to. (See also resource section for counseling)

Will I regret an abortion? Self test.

Score using a 1, 2, or 3: 1= Not true for me; 2= Somewhat true for me; or 3= Really true for me

1. I believe abortion is the same as murdering a born person _____

2. I am not sure if I am making the right decision _____

3. I don`t want an abortion, but I have to have one _____

4. I know I will regret having an abortion _____

5. My parents are rejecting, critical, or abusive _____

6. The man involved is abusive, rejecting, and controlling _____

7. I think God will punish me for having an abortion _____

8. I will not be able to forgive myself for having an abortion _____

9. No one is giving me emotional support right now _____

10. Someone else is forcing me to have an abortion _____

11. I am never going to think about it again after it`s over _____

12. I suffer from depression or diagnosed personality disorder _____

13. I am a “perfectionist” and I can’t forgive myself for getting in this situation _____

Add up your score. If it is 26 or over, you may want to do some more work, or see a counselor before you have an abortion.
*We are grateful to Anne Baker of Hope Clinic for her work, “Predictors of Poor Coping After an Abortion”

Your Experience of Abortion
If you have decided that abortion is the best choice for you, and you have chosen a doctor or clinic to help you, then you are ready to plan the day of your abortion. Even if you can`t control everything that happens, you are in charge of your attitude. You can decide how you will act during the abortion process.

This exercise can help you plan what you will do and how you would like to feel before and after your abortion. After all the time it takes to make a decision, and work through all your feelings, the actual visit to the clinic can be the easiest part if you are prepared.

What do I want to know before I go?
If you are still feeling unsure or scared about anything, feel free to call the clinic you are going to and get your questions answered before you go. It`s normal to be a little scared. Write down questions you have:

How do I want to feel on the day of the abortion?

You have a CHOICE about how this experience is for you!!! Would you like to be: (circle all that apply)

really angry all day   helpful to others   honest   a victim 

proud that I could decide for myself   whiny    unwilling to share my feelings 

courageous   anxious   demanding   patient   impatient   passive

curious   real good to myself   friendly   ashamed   Other: _________

It will help make things easier if you share your thoughts, wishes, or feelings with the staff at the clinic! They probably want to make this as easy as they can for you, but you have to tell them what you are thinking.

About pain...
Nobody wants to feel pain, but pain is a part of life, and frequently part of ending a pregnancy. Our ideas about pain can be very complicated and it might be interesting to explore the issue of pain in your life if you are worried about how much pain you might feel.

Try to answer the following questions:

What are your period cramps like?           1        2        3        4        5

Use a 1-5 pain scale where 1 = mild cramps (you´re aware of them but you can still do normal activities) to
5 = severe cramps (cramps where you cannot do anything and the cramps are the worst you ever felt, and pain medication doesn´t seem to help.)

Describe your experience of period cramps:

What helps you when you have cramps?

a. pain reliever _____________

b. going to bed

c. a heating pad or hot water bottle

d. someone sitting with me or sympathizing

e. a back rub or massage

f. having something hot to drink

g. distracting myself with an activity

h. other ____________


How do you feel emotionally when you are in pain? (Circle all that apply)

alone           frantic           sad           upset           irritable          scared           I feel sorry for myself          

ashamed            numb           out of control           distracted           angry           frustrated

that I can't do things other: ________________________


Do the people that are supporting you understand what you need when you are in pain? Do they understand these emotions? ____ Yes ___ No

Have they been around you when you are in pain? ____ Yes ___ No

If you could have anyone at all with you who would it be? __________

Why? How would they help you?

What are your past experiences with pain?
(Examples:"I never have cramps and nothing bad has ever happened to me, so I'm worried about how it will feel." Or, "I have had a lot of surgeries and although I do OK, I really dread it each time.")

Tell your story:






Difficult emotions can make pain feel worse.
For example, getting a tattoo or your ear pierced is painful but it's more tolerated because it's something you want. Having an abortion can bring up a lot of feelings, some of them negative.

Do any of these match what you are feeling? Put an X next to the examples that are most like what you are feeling. What follows each example is a possible way to change how you are thinking about this experience.


______ "I really feel stupid and irresponsible."
Even if you could have done things differently, remember that pregnancy is always a risk when you have sex. Sometimes we take more risks than we mean to around sex. Resolve to make a plan to protect yourself better and move on with your life. Even if it's true that you could have been more responsible, it doesn't mean that you deserve pain.


______ "I shouldn't have been with him, and now I'm paying for it."
Sometimes it helps to figure out the reasons for our behavior (Example: "I was lonely", "I misjudged the situation." etc). Whatever the reason, it seemed like a good idea at the time. If you are feeling guilty (like you did something wrong) find a way to make things better. Getting pregnant, however, is not a punishment, and no one deserves pain, even if you didn't live up to your own standards.


______ "No one can know about this. I am so ashamed."
When we are trying to hide something, we carry an extra burden of feelings: dread, fear, shame. Instead of imagining the worst possible reaction from someone, imagine the best: they might say "I'm sorry you're in this situation, but I know you will make the best decision for your life." Even if the worst is true, does it mean that you deserve to be in pain? The answer is "no."


______ "I've heard so many awful things about abortion. I'm really scared. What if..."
Our society is in great conflict about abortion so it's no wonder that there are a lot of scary stories out there. But statistics show that abortion is one of the safest medical procedures, no matter what the method. There is a risk to everything, including riding in a car. So, learn as much as you can and let "reality" help you. Fear and tension can make everything feel worse so try to keep your fears in perspective.


______ "I feel terrible about doing this, but I really have no choice."
No one ever wanted to be in this situation, even though 37% of all women will have an abortion someday. Once you are pregnant, and don't want to be, you are making what you believe is the best choice for your life under the circumstances. You are not a bad person and you don't deserve to be in pain.

Write what you are feeling about this situation:


Now rewrite a more positive message to yourself:

Pain Relief return to top
Your doctor or clinic will probably offer some pain medications or something to relax you. Please ask about what pain relief is available for you. Sometimes deep breathing can help make the medications work even better.

Many people use some version of deep breathing to relax and work through pain. One way is to breathe in to the count of 7, hold your breath for 7 counts, and slowly release your breath to the count of 7. Another way is to start with your toes and tense each set of muscles to the count of 1-2-3-4-5 and then relax to the count of 1-2-3-4-5. Do each set of muscles—legs, buttocks, abdomen/stomach, shoulders, arms, jaws, eyes/face. As you do the exercise, try to imagine your fear and pain going away every time you breathe out.

A Checklist: Some things to make it easier

These are some ways that might make the day go easier. Which ones would be helpful for you? (check)

____ Make sure to leave plenty of time for getting there & get good directions

____ Visit a few days before so I am comfortable with the place and people

____ Have someone I trust who will go with me

____ Take something to read/work on/play with while I am waiting

____ Get realistic information about how long I will probably be there

____ Have a good breakfast or lunch (unless the clinic says not to eat)

____ Wear layers of comfortable clothing so I am OK if it´s hot or cold

____ Shower or bathe before I go to help me feel fresh

____ Find out if there might be protesters so I can prepare myself

____ Make sure I have transportation to and from the clinic

____ Make sure I am clear about the medical fees and I have my money or insurance information ready

____ Write a list of my questions so I am sure they all get answered

____ Buy a box of maxi-pads and medicine for cramps (like Advil)

____ Other:

After your abortion return to top

What I`d like to do to take care of myself:
(For example, “be with friends who understand,” “have a nice meal,” “be quiet,” “do a ceremony.” See Healing Work section.)

Who will you ask for support afterwards? Tell them how you would like to take care of yourself (above).

Important: If you are having strong feelings of regret or sadness that don´t get better, get help!! Warning signs include: crying all the time, problems with sleeping or eating or not being able to concentrate. See Healing section and consult a counselor.

Telling someone:
Some women who have had abortions feel ashamed and want to keep the abortion a secret. That means that we don´t usually hear about it from our mothers and relatives and friends. If you have decided on abortion, it could be powerful for you to share your experience with others. Your story can help other women or men who find themselves facing difficult decisions. If you could, who would you really like to tell about this? Name them:

_____________ _____________ _____________

What would it take for you to tell them?

risking   honesty   courage   caring   love   pride in yourself

openness   trust   What else? _____________

How would you explain your decision to have an abortion to someone else?

You sense that it is inviting you, and you notice it feels just right to be here. As you begin to have a sense of this natural, beautiful setting, you know that this is your own special place. A safe place that supports you in journeying to your own knowing-- to your own heart.

Take a moment to notice how it feels to be here-- what smells and sounds you experience. How it looks as you walk around and explore nature´s perfect gift to you. Finding a comfortable spot now, you sit down and lean back. You may even lie down, feeling very relaxed. Really allow yourself to soak up the beauty around you. Just enjoy being here-- this place of your own heart. That´s right, just take a moment to let yourself feel the peace and warmth here. (Pause)

Allow yourself to bring to mind your reason for coming here today. You find that there is something like a movie screen appearing before you. As you watch the screen, familiar scenes begin to play across